In a direct challenge to Herman Melville’s white-whale symbolism, a stunning beluga suspected of being a Russian spy practically gave herself up to Norwegian fisherman, whom she eagerly befriended in her (alleged) spy gear. A conspicuous, care-free queen!
In the middle of last week, fisherman in the Norwegian village of Inga started to notice the suspicious presence of a hungry, harness-wearing white beluga whale in the water, who was incessantly approaching their boats and tugging on any loose straps hanging from them. After a few days of putting up with her bullshit — which, again, I endorse — one fearless fisherman jumped into the frigid Arctic water to remove the harness and GoPro holder, which was later sourced to St. Petersburg.
Predictably, the Russian navy has denied that the captured whale is a spy, with one colonel announcing in a shockingly honest and objectively cool statement to a Russian broadcaster: “We have military dolphins for combat roles, we don’t cover that up.” Even if the man was lying through his teeth — in 2017, TV Zvezda reported that the Russian navy had revived its Cold War–era program of training seals, bottlenose dolphins, and notably, beluga whales, to be military spies — what an incredible flex.
And yet, I’m left wondering of this radiant whale, what was she thinking? Did she learn nothing from Maria Butina, who allegedly had a habit of bragging about being a spy when she was drunk? But still: Protect her at all costs.